The Scientist

So tonight I stood in the rain while a man that I am in love with told me that he doesn't love me, and isn't sure if he ever will, so goodbye, and I'm sorry. Somehow the apology does not make anything better. I suppose I should have seen this coming. There have been signs, which I very conveniently ignored because it was too painful to put them together, but they were there, bright and obvious as the sun itself, and now I feel as if I have been burned and beaten and torn to pieces and it is noone's fault but my own.

I wonder to myself if I had this coming; cosmic revenge for recently having broken another person's heart who couldn't have deserved it less. I think of how the next time I try to love someone it will begin with fear and apprehension, and therefore likely end in a fiery demise of unreciprocated passion and thoughts of what might have been if only I'd been able to trust. To take a chance. To risk that all important first step into the uncharted territory that is new love. My heart feels like it has been tossed into the garbage, smashed and crushed into a miniature block that will decompose over time.

I titled this entry after a Coldplay song that I love. A song that I can only wish he might hear tomorrow, or a week from tomorrow, or a month from tomorrow, and then think, That is how I feel about her. And then he will drive his car to me, wherever I am, and say all the things he should have said tonight. He'll say all the things he should have said instead of goodbye, and I'm letting you go, and I don't love you.

But I know the likelihood of that is slim. And I try to comfort myself by saying that anyone who could let me go, doesn't really deserve me in the first place.

And yet the tears seem as though they will never stop....

by Coldplay

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
Oh let's go back to the start
Running in circles
Coming up tails
Heads on a silence apart
Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start
I was just guessing
At numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart
Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
Tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles
Chasing our tails
Coming back as we are
Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start