Yep, you heard me. Every once in a while a little bit o porn might do a person good. Let me explain.... Some of my favorite -- yet truly obnoxious -- customers at Comcast are the ones who order assloads of porno through pay-per-view and then get their absurd cable bills in the mail and call us up to deny it. The excuses we get are classic.
Completely ridiculous: "Well my 2 year old was playing with the remote and he must have accidentally ordered the movies."
Oh really? All 6 of them? Do you have any idea the number of steps involved in ordering a porn through your cable box? You have to go to the channel, use the arrow buttons on your remote to select the option to buy, press OK to confirm the buy -- 6 times, with no accidental purchases of The Spongebob Squarepants movie. Your toddler is one dextrous and horny little dude!!
Even more absurd: "Well I know that neither my husband nor my father in law who lives with me nor my teenage son would ever look at anything like that, we're Christians you know!"
Yeah, and Christians gotta get some too. It's always the Christians that like that freaky shit. You better tend to your husband, or he's gonna tend to himself. Or worse -- get someone from his bible study class to take care of his needs. As for horny father in law and teenager, it's called parental controls. Put a pin number on there. Say it with me now, pa-rent-al con-trols!
The all-time stupidest excuse I've ever heard: "All these movies are ordered in the middle of the night, when my boyfriend and I are asleep. I think the maintenance man from my apartment complex must be breaking into my apartment and ordering them at night. What do you expect me to do about that, it's not my fault!!"
Well first of all, you should probably call the police, cuz if the maintenance dude has broken into your crib 15 of the last 27 nights, you have a real problem on your hands. Secondly, you should probably move, cuz any apartment complex that employs a man both desperate enough and horny enough to risk his job, his freedom, and potentially his life just so he can jack off on your couch to some crappy porn, is probably not a place you want to live. Which brings me to number three, buy a new couch, cuz the current one's got some new mileage on it that you didn't put there. And finally, and most importantly, four: quit taking the sleeping pills so that when your man wakes up in the middle of the night looking for some love, he can just roll over in the comfort of his bed, instead of having to get up and go to some couch and hang out with Rightina, wishing his girlfriend wasn't semi-comatose.
I once had a customer who averaged $500 a MONTH in adult PPV charges. Dude, go to the store and BUY THE VIDEOS! Quit wasting all your damn money! Another time I had a gentleman ask me just how hardcore, on a scale of one to ten, was the programming on the Spice channel. Some people are adult about it, but most people are just rying to deny it to get out of having to pay for it. So to them I dedicate this entry and I say: If you're gonna order porn, then order porn and be proud. I don't care what you and Miss Michigan are doing in the middle of the night -- or day! Just quit being a whiny baby about having to pay for it. At the end of the day it's cheaper than having a girlfriend anyway, so shut the hell up.
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
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1 comment:
here's a true story....Christians do watch porn, some more than others. When i was younger and i worked at "Movie Warehouse" my girlfriend at the time came in and wanted to rent a movie....well there was a late fee which red flagged on the account. Then i had to say, "sweetie, i hate to break it to you, but your parents porn flick is late". It was freaking hillarious, until my mom called and she had late fees for the same damn thing!!!!!!
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