Rollercoaster

I'm almost afraid to write this for fear of all the groans of, "Oh Maria!" that are sure to be uttered, but here goes nothing. Shaun and I broke up. Again.

I've got my defense mechanisms working overtime on this one. I make jokes, I shrug off questions. I'm really just trying not to think about it at all. It took me a month to stop crying before, and I am determined not to start again.

At this point I am mostly just disappointed and sad. I've never had as much fun as I did with him, never loved someone that much, never imagined my life stretching out before me alongside someone else's - not the way I did with Shaun. And now it's all a big pile of shite. Well, certainly not all of it, but it's hard to think about the good parts because then I think about how they're gone, and that's just not a good path to start going down right now.

Someone please tell me how it is that I have managed to totally f*ck up every single relationship I've ever been in? Something happens and I slowly, painfully, achingly start to fall out of love. And then the shit hits the fan. Sometimes over and over again.

Part of me wishes that I could just forget about everything that happened between us and forgive him (and myself) for all of it. But I can't. And the fact that I can't upsets me, because if you love a person enough, you should be able to forgive them for just about anything when you know that they truly are sorry.

*sigh*

This is more difficult to write about than I thought it would be. Although, I guess it does go exactly against my primary defense strategy of Just Don't Think About It!

For once I'll take my own advise and just shut the hell up.

More when I'm not driving myself absolutely crazy.