The Not-So-Great Depression

$85,000. Seems like a lot of money, doesn't it? That's because it is. And I'm drowing in it. Between $80,000 worth of student loans, my car loan, and my one remaining credit card that I am trying to pay off, I am dying in my debt. Somewhere between Van Dyke and Lahser I started crying, and I can't stop. I look at my degree from the University of Michigan hanging on the wall of my bedroom, where I still live in my parents' house, which is so far from being paid off it's absurd, and I honestly question whether or not it was really a good idea to have gone to school there. If I had known everything I know now back when I was 17, I think there's no way in hell I would've ended up going to school there. Or I would have, and studied engineering instead.

I know it's not my mom and dad's fault, but it is. And I know it's not my fault, but it is. And I know it's not because the economy in Michigan is so fucking crappy, but it is. It is everything and it is nothing and it is all day, every day, 24 hours a day, nonstop.

I've always been a smart kid, since I was 3. I find it hard to believe that my parents never realized that I'd be going to college one day, in fact I know they wanted me to go college, yet they saved nothing for it. Didn't prepare at all. Mom said to my 17 year old self, "If you get into Harvard, we'll pay for it, I don't care if I have to clean teeth till I'm 80, you'll go." And my 17 year old self thought, "Well OK, if you say so."

But now I realize that I want my mom to be able to retire. She deserves it. She's the hardest working woman I've ever known in my life, and if anybody on this earth deserves a relaxing retirement, it's her. It breaks my heart to think of her not getting that, because I just had to go to U of M! But why do I feel responsible and guilty because my parents did not have a financial plan that included me going to a school like U of M?? I mean it didn't help that dad got sick, of course, but even if that hadn't happened I think we'd still all be drowning in this mess. When they said go, I didn't question it, I was 17 and I trusted that they knew better than I did. But apparently none of us knew. And now I see my mom come home from work, and she's tired and she's frustrated, and I see my dad unable to work, and he's tired and he's frustrated, and I see my brother not really care if he works or not, which makes my parents tired and frustrated -- and I really want my mom to be able to retire. So that she can garden and read and walk the dog. So that she and my dad can go fishing.

It hurts me so deep in my heart that I now think of my education as pointless. I've been working 2 jobs for over a year now and neither one of them requires anything remotely close to the level of education that I have. A monkey could do what I do. All my education is helping me to see right now is what a fucking waste of time and money it was. And it helps me kick people's asses in Scrabble. And I know that what I learned while I was at U of M includes so much more than what I learned in class, but still, I am gasping for air and feel like I am about to die and none of that is good to me dead.

I think about my friends, the amazing friends that I made and how much I love them and how much I miss them and how far away they all are and how I don't have the money to visit, and don't have energy to call them because the last thing I want to do when I come home from having talked on the phone all day is talk on the phone. And I know that at this rate it's only a matter of time before they really aren't friends anymore. They'll just be the people I used to know when I was younger, and I'll be nonexistent to them. I think about what I learned about myself and what I want out of life, and what I learned about love and what I want in a man and a husband. And then I think, "What was the point?" because any man with half a brain would be insane to marry me with all my baggage. I've got more baggage than Louis Vuitton... and it's probably more expensive too. I feel less than worthless. $85,000 less than worthless to be exact.

I think about what I want my future to be like and how I want to have a career that I actually enjoy, where maybe -- God forbid -- I might make a little bit of money. How I want to get married and be somebody's wife, and have kids and be somebody's mother. And I want to be able to have a home and sign my kids up for every extra thing they want to do whether it's piano lessons or gymnastics or scuba diving or hockey or karate. And I want to be able to take vacations and show my kids the whole wide world, so that they understand what a huge mechanism they are a part of. And I want my husband to be able to buy a motorcycle if he wants, or go fishing with the guys and not have to worry about how we're going to buy groceries that week. And then reality sets in that probably none of that is going to really be possible. Not with the way things are going. Not unless I win the lottery.

All of this probably sounds really pathetic and pitiful, and I know that I am feeling sorry for myself, but lately I cannot even breathe because of it. I open my eyes in the morning and I think about my debt. I wash my hair, I brush my teeth, I start my car, I go to work and I think about my debt. It is crushing me and I am so, so tired. I want so badly to be able to go to graduate school but I feel like that would be the stupidest, most selfish thing that I could ever do. I'd just be digging myself deeper. Deeper and deeper and deeper. I want so badly to quit one of my jobs but I could never survive with just the one.

My mom tells me that if I just have faith, everything will be OK. But I don't have faith. I don't see how anything is going to be OK at this rate, and I can't break out of it. I'm sick of always driving everywhere and I'm sick of putting gas in my car. I'm sick of trying to remind Jesse that he should do this or do that knowing that he won't, and I'm sick that as scary as it is I'm actually glad he joined the Navy because nothing else seems to work. I'm sick of the stupid people I talk to on the phone every day. I'm sick of our stupid president and how he turns people against each other when really we are all so much the same. I'm sick of worrying about everybody all the time, and I'm sick of knowing that people worry about me.

I just don't know what to do anymore, and mom's hugs aren't helping, and Shaun's hugs aren't helping, and I'd really love to go see a therapist and a financial planner, but of course none of that is free -- which means I can't afford it.

So I guess I'll just do what I do every night that I sleep here. Go to bed, watch some of my free cable, and fall asleep in all my pillows with Blue Bear in my arms.

Then tomorrow I'll get up and go to work.