What Do You Mean You Don't Want To Get Married?

So recently I got this part time job at a store at the mall because it seemed like a more reasonable way to catch up (ha!) on my student loans than selling a kidney or robbing a bank. And you know, it's a retail job in a swanky store in an uppity mall, the pay sucks, the hours suck, and it is in addition to my normal full time job, so every time I go to work it's kind of a soul-sucking, pride-swallowing, misery-inducing experience. But I put my big girl pants on and I go and at least I get a discount on cooking tools and I've been meeting a lot of new people.

Meeting new people in this context and at this point in my life has been interesting. I get asked where I'm from, where I live, if I have another job, if I like to cook, if I'm in school. Sometimes they are surprised to learn I already have two college degrees. They ask if I have or want kids. Often they are surprised to learn I don't want to have kids. But more than any other question, they ask if I'm married. Sometimes shockingly soon after the initial introduction. Once just like this:

Me: I'm Maria, what's your name?
Her: I'm Martha Washington*, nice to meet you!
Me: Likewise.
Her: ARE YOU MARRIED?

I'm not kidding. It was the second sentence out of this woman's mouth upon meeting me. When I told her that I am, in fact, NOT married (THE HORROR!), she said, and I quote, "Oh don't worry, you're young! And beautiful! You'll find THE ONE soon!" Thinking at first, Do I look desperate? and followed closely by, Who in the HELL does this woman think she IS? I bit my tongue, swallowed the sarcasm, and simply said, "Well, actually I have a really great boyfriend who I love a lot!" I figured that'd be that. Not so much.

Her: DO YOU THINK HE'S [gasp for dramatic effect] THE ONE?
Me: Um... [blinking]
Her: Howlonghaveyoubeentogetherdoyouthinkyou'llmarryhim???

The thing is, I don't really care about getting married. Marriage is not the important part, love is.  And I definitely don't care about having a wedding. I have enough debt to last me several lifetimes, thankyouverymuch. I told her this and she looked at me as if I were an alien from the furthest reaches of outer space.

You see, once upon a time ago a man asked me to marry him and I said yes. It was definitely not the right answer, but we spent almost two years (and several thousand dollars) after that ill-fated Q & A session making each other acutely miserable before we finally came to our senses and called it off. Thinking back on it now, we were so truly and incredibly wrong for each other that I'm not sure what was stupider, him asking in the first place or me agreeing. Actually that's a lie, it was much stupider for me to say yes. Of course he asked me to marry him, I'M AWESOME. But if he had not popped the question, that day or ever, we would have broken up much, much sooner.

When we were in the downward spiral I vividly remember thinking things like, "He should not be behaving this way. This is not how a MAN should treat his FUTURE WIFE. BUT I AGREED TO THIS AND GAVE MY WORD AND MADE MY COMMITMENT AND NOW I JUST HAVE TO FIGURE OUT A WAY TO MAKE IT WORK."

Did I mention I'm stubborn? Usually my stubbornness is a good thing, but in this case it made me stay with a man I was no longer in love with for so long that I had paid a photographer and bought a wedding dress and then almost legally bound myself to him FOR LIFE. Yikes. I was miserable and everyone who loved me knew it and yet I stayed and stayed until I just couldn't stay anymore.

But I made it out alive.

Fast forward a few years to present day. That aforementioned really great current boyfriend who I love a lot is, hands down, the best boyfriend I've ever had. He is intelligent and generous and passionate and funny and creative and mature and hardworking and supportive and kind and reasonable and trustworthy and committed and he makes my life better every single day. He also doesn't care about getting married. It is an amazingly liberating thing to be in the strongest love of my life and not spend a moment's worry thinking WHEN WILL HE ASK ME TO MARRY HIM? It means we just get to love each other, and be together, and learn and grow and be partners, even though we will never be spouses.

Awhile back we were discussing our respective reasons for nuptial avoidance and I admitted that, considering I'd once agreed to marry someone who was totally wrong for me, I wasn't sure I trusted myself to choose a lifelong mate. And of the four times I've fallen in love in my life, three of them didn't stick. Do I have the capacity to love someone for my entire life? Even through the shit times?

Jury's still out.

Although things are looking up. Here's hoping. I know I am!

*not this person's actual name