Dating 2.0

Everyone seems to be online dating. I’m not sure I understand this. This means that on any given day, at any given time, with any given person you meet, there could be multiple online versions of their personality floating around in cyberspace. Their Facebook self, their Match.com self, their OKCupid self. All these virtual renderings consist of carefully edited lists of the books and movies and music that they like, what their ideal first date would be, how much money they make, how they feel about God, their level of education, if they’re ‘fit’ or if they have ‘a little extra’, and blah blah blah.

Then there are the even more carefully selected photos. The perfect angle, the perfect lighting, the perfect composition that says, “Hey, I’m attractive, I could be your soul mate, I’m probably fantastic in bed, I don’t take myself too seriously, and I happen to like all the same crap that you do! Message me!” Is this really how people meet nowadays?

There are so many sites to choose from that even the platform you select seems to say something about you. Do you use a free site or do you actually pay for this garbage? (No judgment.) Do you use a site that only makes heterosexual matches, or do you intentionally use Chemistry.com because they accept everyone, and you’re an open-minded person?

And let’s not forget the corresponding smart phone apps for each site so that you can always be connected. Check your matches while waiting in line at the bank! While riding in the elevator! While waiting for your food at a restaurant! What happened to looking around while waiting in line at the bank, on the elevator, or at the restaurant because there might be a hot girl or guy right behind you – you know, in the flesh! Gasp! I’ve witnessed people checking their matches while out at the bar, or at a party, or in line at the bank. What if you miss your next great date (or relationship) because while you were busy fiddling with your phone, your life was busy passing you by?

Online dating is a steaming pile of dogshit. Of all the wonderful couples that I am blessed to know and love, and there are a lot, there is only one – ONE! – who met online. They are the exception-turned-urban legend whose story people tell to their lonely friends and relatives to convince them to try online dating. To be fair, their story is beautiful, as are all stories of true love. They fell in love, moved across states to be closer to one another, and eventually got married. I believe they’ll have a strong, lasting marriage. Not that marriage is everyone’s goal, I certainly don’t need a relationship to lead to marriage to consider it successful….

But where was I? Oh yeah, at the giant steaming pile of dogshit. Here’s why: at the end of the day, after all your lists of music and books and movies have been compared and evaluated, and you’ve ascertained the person’s views on God and education and the death penalty, it doesn’t really matter. None of it really matters because it is totally impossible to account for the miracle of human chemistry in an online setting. Without chemistry on every level – intellectual, emotional, physical – you cannot have a relationship. Without at least a little chemistry on every one of those levels I can’t even have good sex. Chemistry doesn’t mean that two people like all of the same things. In fact, that’s boring. Chemistry is the spark, the intrigue, the passion. It’s what pulls two people together, even in the most unlikely settings and circumstances. And although I can’t define it concretely or draw you a diagram, I know it when I feel it. Like every person on the planet.

Today, right now, in the year of our Lord two thousand and ten, there are no more people going on first dates, getting into relationships, or getting married than there were in 1985, before online dating existed. Online dating doesn’t increase your chance of meeting someone with whom you’ll spark, so here’s the question: why do it? Why do it?? Has the Internet revolution so stunted our social skills that we don’t know how to meet people in person anymore? Ladies, are we too lazy to do our makeup and go to the bar (or grocery store, or bank, or elevator) and make eye contact and flirt? Guys, is shaving and throwing on a clean shirt really so difficult that you’d prefer to sit in your room, glued to your computer monitor, scouring the Interwebs for the next love of your life? I realize that prior to this past year, I was single for a period of only two months in between a two year and a five year relationship, so I don’t have a lot of experience dating in any format in the past decade, but has the game changed so much? Is this Dating 2.0?

If it is then I’m screwed. My palms start to sweat just thinking about this possibility. I signed up for a free online dating site for a period of about three weeks several months ago. It was, as expected, just enough time to get creepy messages from all manner of creepy, socially awkward weirdos (including a man with creepy horns implanted on his head, creepy caps on his teeth that looked like fangs, and a giant tattoo of a creepy lizard/dragon across his creepy chest), and go on two blah dates. Single guys, I beg you, put down your smart phones! Log off of your Match.com profile! Come to the bar! Go to the bank tomorrow! Open your eyes! There are wonderful single women all around you. Including me. I’d love to go on a second date. (You know, a second date? That’s the one that comes after a good first date? It’s OK, I understand, you haven’t been on one of those in a while.)

The truth is that I’m a snob. I don’t want to meet someone online. Does this make me a non-line dater? Some friends tell me that the medium shouldn’t matter, if I want to meet someone I shouldn’t discriminate, I shouldn’t judge. But I don’t want to meet someone, I want to meet one very special person. And I don’t want to meet him online. I’d rather meet him in a bookstore, or at a stoplight, or in an elevator, or at the bar, and I’m perfectly happy waiting for him for as long as it takes. Whatever he’s doing is just exactly what he has to be doing in order to meet me at just exactly the right time. And honestly, if he misses the bus and never shows up and I’m on my own for the rest of my life? Why exactly would that be a terrible tragedy? I will certainly be in no short supply of love and companionship because I have incredible friends and an amazing family. And, having narrowly escaped what certainly would have ended up as a failed marriage between two people utterly wrong for each other, being happy and alone is greatly preferable to being miserable with someone else.

In summation, to the pro-online daters out there who label me a cynic and a snob, I say (with the deepest love and affection), “Screw you.”

Now who’s coming to the bar with me?