A few weekends ago I spent like seven hours doing a month's worth of laundry in a single day and while folding it all I watched Christina Applegate's breakout movie, that timeless classic from 1991, "Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead." I loved it when it came out and was glad to see that it's really held up over the last 23 years. There's a lot of wisdom packed into those 102 minutes! (Remember when movies were only 102 minutes long?) For my own benefit and also that of the entire world, I've summarized the key lessons below.
1. Dress the part.
Have you ever heard that expression, "Dress for the job you want?" Clearly Sue Ellen has. As she prepares for her first visit to GAW there is an awesome movie fashion montage of her trying on outfits from her mother's wardrobe. Most of which are hideous and frumpy. But realizing the bones of a businesswoman's wardrobe is there, Sue Ellen gets creative with her print and color combinations and we end up with some great ensembles, like this one:
2. Fake it 'til you make it.
I mean, don't fabricate your resume out of thin air or copy it from a resume book (Remember resume books? Me neither.), but if you want to get a job you need to make yourself look good. ALL job seekers everywhere are constantly trying to appear to the greatest advantage. And when presented with things you've never done but can totally learn, it's almost always better to say, "Oh yeah, I can do that!" and then figure it out as you go.
Sue Ellen exhibits several other behaviors that are equally worth emulating. When confronted with a surly fax machine that she is clueless about she peeks over sweet Kathy's shoulder and LEARNS. Voila! Just by watching! She also recognizes good advice when she hears it and repeats it to others. "Don't feel overwhelmed. Just do one thing at a time." "We have to economize." Unless you are a bus driver trying to masquerade as a nuclear physicist, once you're hired you will probably have enough of a grace period to learn a few things by doing. But make sure you ask the right person for help. Ask a nice person, not a mega-shithead.
Here's a test, which of these women should you ask for help:
If you chose the woman on the left please go to your local public library and rent a copy of "Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead" before finishing this essay. Seriously. Go now. You can thank me later.
Other important takeaways from Swell's tenure as a career woman at General Apparel West include:
3. Find Bryan.
Bryan is a sweetheart who will give you and your starving siblings leftover Clown Dog food even after he had to finish cleaning the fat vats for you the night you told Mr. Egg to shove it. Also, he will take you on fun dates and be adorably candid about how much he likes you. And he's pretty much definitely going to be even cuter when he is older. Bryan is a keeper. Bryan is everything. Bryan is the Holy Grail of young 20-something guys. FIND BRYAN.
1. Dress the part.
Have you ever heard that expression, "Dress for the job you want?" Clearly Sue Ellen has. As she prepares for her first visit to GAW there is an awesome movie fashion montage of her trying on outfits from her mother's wardrobe. Most of which are hideous and frumpy. But realizing the bones of a businesswoman's wardrobe is there, Sue Ellen gets creative with her print and color combinations and we end up with some great ensembles, like this one:
Look at the white lapel and cuff accents. LOOK AT THEM!
Even the outfits with 20 lb. shoulder pads still look amazing. And her accessories are perfect. And so is her hair. Proving what all young women eventually realize: your mom's wardrobe is cooler than you think it is.
Sue Ellen - or "Swell"- has fun with her personal fashion too. Those green Doc Martens? Shut. Up. The chartreuse, high-waisted, parachute pants she wears while bouncy-balling out all over Toys 'R Us? YES. She is creative, bold and adventurous with her fashion at every turn, and it reinforces her gutsy character.
Rose Lindsey's fashion is also kickass. Two words: lizard brooches!
Pulling. Them. Off.
Also, Rose goes from her daytime work outfit to an evening look by sprucing up her lipstick and changing into a sexy blouse. Easy, peasy, right ladies? The final outfit we see her in is the best one - slim silk capris in a pale hue and a fabulous mustard over-the-top blouse with gigantic sleeves. Ugh. I would wear that blouse tomorrow if it magically appeared in my closet overnight. And I work at home. My cats would be really impressed.
2. Fake it 'til you make it.
I mean, don't fabricate your resume out of thin air or copy it from a resume book (Remember resume books? Me neither.), but if you want to get a job you need to make yourself look good. ALL job seekers everywhere are constantly trying to appear to the greatest advantage. And when presented with things you've never done but can totally learn, it's almost always better to say, "Oh yeah, I can do that!" and then figure it out as you go.
Sue Ellen exhibits several other behaviors that are equally worth emulating. When confronted with a surly fax machine that she is clueless about she peeks over sweet Kathy's shoulder and LEARNS. Voila! Just by watching! She also recognizes good advice when she hears it and repeats it to others. "Don't feel overwhelmed. Just do one thing at a time." "We have to economize." Unless you are a bus driver trying to masquerade as a nuclear physicist, once you're hired you will probably have enough of a grace period to learn a few things by doing. But make sure you ask the right person for help. Ask a nice person, not a mega-shithead.
Here's a test, which of these women should you ask for help:
Hint: Don't choose the woman on the left.
Other important takeaways from Swell's tenure as a career woman at General Apparel West include:
- Don't embezzle from petty cash. Or any other source. Just don't.
- Watch out for Gus. Gus is a sexist asshole douchebag. Maybe keep a squirt gun full of Windex handy for when he shows his true colors.
- A 1991 salary of $37,500 would be worth about $65,500 in 2014 dollars. Do executive level administrative assistants still get paid that much? If so, why the F#$% did I go to graduate school?!
- And always help your boss save face. Sometimes that means pretending that the flowers douchebag Gus really sent to you were intended for her. But mostly it means this:
#likeaboss
OR #likeanexecutiveleveladministrativeassistant
3. Find Bryan.
Oh hello there Josh Charles. I see you like blondes. How lucky for me.
4. Family management is hard work too - and it's a team sport.
The movie opens by showing Mrs. Crandall attempting to interact with each of her kids, and mostly failing. They each dismiss or ignore her in their own ways. A clearly frazzled single mother of five, she's obviously worn the F out - but she's still trying! Moms have a tendency to put themselves last and it's pretty much never a good idea. You cannot constantly take care of other people at the expense of caring for yourself or you will shrivel up and die. Sometimes, in a family, you have to take one for the team. And by "one" I mean "one vacation to the land down under with your new boyfriend" - ya heard? After their mom leaves them with an evil babysitter who promptly croaks, the Crandall kids don't call her home from Australia - because they want their freedom, but also because they know their mom deserves the break.
At first, their individual contributions to household management aren't very sophisticated:
But in a short amount of time they improve dramatically:
The name is Kenneth.
Kids have hands and legs and can contribute to household management. Put those suckers to work! Even if you have to resort to threatening to turn them all in to the police to get them properly motivated. It's amazing what children will do to avoid hard time.
5. Take the appropriate precautions when disposing of a dead body.
Key tools for proper disposal of a dead body include: your brother's skateboard, yellow dish gloves, a measuring tape, and an antique steamer trunk. With these tools, enough younger siblings, and the desire for a mom-free summer of nonstop fun to help you justify your unethical and unsanitary behavior, you have everything you need to get rid of a little old lady's dead body.
And finally, the single most important lesson from DTMTBD: always check the pockets of the deceased before disposing of the body. ALWAYS!
And finally, the single most important lesson from DTMTBD: always check the pockets of the deceased before disposing of the body. ALWAYS!
