I posted this picture to my Facebook page and there followed quite a discussion in the comments. Some people thought I should call Alex's manager to report the incident (I didn't). Others suggested that I should be flattered to some degree (I wasn't). And the whole thing got me thinking about all the inappropriate situations in which I've been hit on. And there's kind of a lot of them.
I don't say this to toot my own horn. This is not a humblebrag. This is an attempt to articulate why this kind of thing is wrong and men need to stop doing it. But first things first.
After this exchange with Alex the Creepy Pizza Guy, which is how I entered him into my phone contacts just in case he ever contacted me again (he hasn't), I remembered an incident I had with a moving man I hired four years ago. It was a post breakup move out of my parents' place and a storage unit and into my very first solo-living apartment. The movers showed up, moved my things from one place to another, and one of them flirted with me in a way that became more aggressive as the day wore on, despite a lack of encouragement from me. At the end of the day he asked me out ("I'm really not supposed to do this but I think you're really pretty blah blah blah"). I declined, and he left me his name and phone number anyway. I never called him.
On another occasion I found myself sitting alone at the counter of my local coney island, involved in a book after finishing a late lunch of a gyro and french fries. A much older man, dressed professionally, sat down right next to me despite the 20 or so empty seats and proceeded to interrupt my reading with 72 million questions. "What's that you've got?" "Oh, an e-reader, what kind?" "What are you reading?" "What's it about?" "Gosh you're pretty, what do you do?" "Oh, you're a librarian, huh? Where do you work?" Yadda yadda yadda. I cut my lunch short just to get away from him.
I've also been hit on while at work. Every job I've ever had has required me to be friendly - which is good, I really am a friendly person in spite of the annoyed tone of this post - but my friendliness in a professional capacity is not an invitation to flirt. Whether it's helping a guy find a pair of jeans that's the correct size, breaking down a volleyball net so that his basketball team can use the court, teaching his toddler how to swim, or helping him find a good book to check out, I'm friendly because it makes it easier to interact in order to get my job done. Not because I want to find a strange man lurking in the parking lot outside my job when I leave, waiting to ask me out.
And last but not least: the married dudes. Once I was in the elevator of my office building when a well dressed middle-aged man wearing a suit and carrying a briefcase asked me if I'd like to get a drink some time. When I pointed to his wedding band and said, "I'm not sure your wife would approve," he responded by laughing, shrugging, and saying, "So?" Longest elevator ride ever.
Perhaps you're rolling your eyes at this point, thinking, What's the big deal? She should just be flattered! Or something like, These poor guys have it hard, the burden of doing the 'asking out' is almost entirely on their shoulders! Well, you're probably not defending the married guys (Or are you? Maybe he's in an open marriage!), but I can understand how this may seem harsh. Or narcissistic. Or both. But it isn't. Please notice that none of these examples takes place in a bar, at a party, or in some other social scenario where single gals are usually giving off the obvious HI, I'M AVAILABLE signals.
If I pay for a service of some kind, whether it's getting a pizza delivered or hiring movers, there is a contract that is entered into and a mutual investment of trust. I'm trusting that the service will be provided correctly and professionally, and they're trusting that I'll keep my agreement to pay. A fair arrangement. Both my pizza guy and moving man acknowledged that they could face repercussions from their employer if I tattled and yet they did it anyway. Some might call that bravery, but I call it disrespectful. Each of them knew my name, my phone number, my home address, and my credit card information - not because I'd chosen, based on their individual characters, to reveal that information to them, but because the information was pertinent to a business transaction. In the end I didn't report either of them to their managers for fear of retaliation, and I consider myself fortunate to never have heard from either of them again. I have friends who've had much scarier experiences. That access to detailed information about my life put them in a position of power, and their choice to hit on me was an abuse of that power.
And you know who abuses their power? Jerks.
Regarding the men who have interrupted me when I was out alone in public and reading a book, playing Words With Friends on my phone, listening to music while wearing headphones, or any other time when I was clearly engaged in an activity of my choosing and had no interest in being interrupted. By opting to ignore the signals that were expressly NOT invitations to chat me up they were prioritizing their own desire to flirt over my desire to be left alone.
And you know who puts their own needs above all else? Jerks.
The occasions wherein I've been asked out while at work are shitty for still other reasons, but mostly because I should be able to perform my job while being friendly and polite and not have to worry about falsely encouraging a stranger to make a pass at me. None of them ever think about what will happen if the answer is, "No." Awkwardness and discomfort inevitably follow - because these guys *always* come back.
And you know who makes women feel awkward and uncomfortable (especially while they're at work!)? Jerks.
I hope I don't have to expound on the degree of douchebaggery committed by married men who hit on women inappropriately. Online, in person, EVER. Because I know you know what married men are who hit on women who aren't their wives.
JERKS.
Guys, there are literally an infinite number of situations where flirting is awesome - and welcome! They don't involve creepy and/or disrespectful abuses of power. They don't involve prioritizing your desires over the desires of your object of affection. They don't involve creating a potentially awkward and uncomfortable situation for your admired lady while she is at work. And they certainly don't involve extramarital dates. You can recognize these green light situations by using your powers of observation, prioritizing respect, and focusing on appropriate times and places to make your move. Stop to consider some of these questions before you proceed:
- Do I have leverage or an unfair advantage in this transaction, perhaps by knowing things about her that she did not personally confide in me - like her contact or other personal information?
- Does she seem open to being approached, i.e. she's not busy doing something else, like reading a book, talking on the phone, or wearing headphones?
- Will it put her in an awkward situation if I make my move? Will she feel strange turning down a regular at her store/gym/library/office?
- Am I married?
