Around this time five years ago I was breaking up with someone. It was messy, and regrettably mean - on both sides. Somewhere along the way we'd stopped loving each other for reasons that aren't worth listing anymore. I still don't know which one of us fell out of love first, but I do know that we continued to exchange, "I love you," long past the point where either of us meant it. At the end of our phone conversations and emails, it had become a handy euphemism for the one word we should have said years before we actually did, "Goodbye."
The first empty, "I love you," of my life was so poorly camouflaged it was laughable. I was a teenager, and the guy just said it hoping I'd reciprocate with my virginity. When I didn't, he promptly broke up with me. So much for love, eh? By the time my ex and I were faking love a decade later, I was an old pro.
For me the false I love you's always happen during the hardest part of the relationship: the end. Of course it's not always apparent that the end is The End until it's really all said and done. And since I'm stubborn, it's hard for me to quit a person once we've shared something meaningful, and it takes a tortuously long time to say and do it all. When you're desperately mad at someone that you once loved dearly, and they say, "I love you," it may be hard to say it in return, but it is often harder to remain silent. Saying nothing is an acknowledgment of the end, a surrender of the last remaining hope that things will work out. Silence in the face of love is the final giving up.
If I choose to be kind and give myself the benefit of the doubt, I'll cut myself some slack for the half-true I love you's that were spoken in the downward spirals of relationships past. Sometimes the fight is not over until the fight is over, you know? But if I choose to be honest, I have to wonder if the end of love makes a liar out of me. I have never recovered from faking love. In every past relationship I can remember a time near the end when I knew I didn't mean it when I said, "I love you," and yet, without exception, I continued to verbally offer the sentiment and return it in kind. If I had been honest, if I had been braver, I would have stopped saying it when the emotion behind it evaporated.
In early December I will quietly celebrate the third year of sharing my life with a man I love as much as I always hoped I would love someone, and he loves me the same way in return. I believe that we are each assured of the other's love, trust, and respect because of our actions, rather than our words. Oh, we share I love you's, of course - but they are more rare. Somehow it helps to keep them meaningful and tender, never rote or automatic. The strength of his love helps me to be brave. It keeps me honest.
I hope that he and I can continue to courageously share true love for the rest of our lives - verbally, and otherwise.
Friday, November 21, 2014
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
Important Things I Learned From "Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead"
A few weekends ago I spent like seven hours doing a month's worth of laundry in a single day and while folding it all I watched Christina Applegate's breakout movie, that timeless classic from 1991, "Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead." I loved it when it came out and was glad to see that it's really held up over the last 23 years. There's a lot of wisdom packed into those 102 minutes! (Remember when movies were only 102 minutes long?) For my own benefit and also that of the entire world, I've summarized the key lessons below.
1. Dress the part.
Have you ever heard that expression, "Dress for the job you want?" Clearly Sue Ellen has. As she prepares for her first visit to GAW there is an awesome movie fashion montage of her trying on outfits from her mother's wardrobe. Most of which are hideous and frumpy. But realizing the bones of a businesswoman's wardrobe is there, Sue Ellen gets creative with her print and color combinations and we end up with some great ensembles, like this one:
2. Fake it 'til you make it.
I mean, don't fabricate your resume out of thin air or copy it from a resume book (Remember resume books? Me neither.), but if you want to get a job you need to make yourself look good. ALL job seekers everywhere are constantly trying to appear to the greatest advantage. And when presented with things you've never done but can totally learn, it's almost always better to say, "Oh yeah, I can do that!" and then figure it out as you go.
Sue Ellen exhibits several other behaviors that are equally worth emulating. When confronted with a surly fax machine that she is clueless about she peeks over sweet Kathy's shoulder and LEARNS. Voila! Just by watching! She also recognizes good advice when she hears it and repeats it to others. "Don't feel overwhelmed. Just do one thing at a time." "We have to economize." Unless you are a bus driver trying to masquerade as a nuclear physicist, once you're hired you will probably have enough of a grace period to learn a few things by doing. But make sure you ask the right person for help. Ask a nice person, not a mega-shithead.
Here's a test, which of these women should you ask for help:
If you chose the woman on the left please go to your local public library and rent a copy of "Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead" before finishing this essay. Seriously. Go now. You can thank me later.
Other important takeaways from Swell's tenure as a career woman at General Apparel West include:
3. Find Bryan.
Bryan is a sweetheart who will give you and your starving siblings leftover Clown Dog food even after he had to finish cleaning the fat vats for you the night you told Mr. Egg to shove it. Also, he will take you on fun dates and be adorably candid about how much he likes you. And he's pretty much definitely going to be even cuter when he is older. Bryan is a keeper. Bryan is everything. Bryan is the Holy Grail of young 20-something guys. FIND BRYAN.
1. Dress the part.
Have you ever heard that expression, "Dress for the job you want?" Clearly Sue Ellen has. As she prepares for her first visit to GAW there is an awesome movie fashion montage of her trying on outfits from her mother's wardrobe. Most of which are hideous and frumpy. But realizing the bones of a businesswoman's wardrobe is there, Sue Ellen gets creative with her print and color combinations and we end up with some great ensembles, like this one:
Look at the white lapel and cuff accents. LOOK AT THEM!
Even the outfits with 20 lb. shoulder pads still look amazing. And her accessories are perfect. And so is her hair. Proving what all young women eventually realize: your mom's wardrobe is cooler than you think it is.
Sue Ellen - or "Swell"- has fun with her personal fashion too. Those green Doc Martens? Shut. Up. The chartreuse, high-waisted, parachute pants she wears while bouncy-balling out all over Toys 'R Us? YES. She is creative, bold and adventurous with her fashion at every turn, and it reinforces her gutsy character.
Rose Lindsey's fashion is also kickass. Two words: lizard brooches!
Pulling. Them. Off.
Also, Rose goes from her daytime work outfit to an evening look by sprucing up her lipstick and changing into a sexy blouse. Easy, peasy, right ladies? The final outfit we see her in is the best one - slim silk capris in a pale hue and a fabulous mustard over-the-top blouse with gigantic sleeves. Ugh. I would wear that blouse tomorrow if it magically appeared in my closet overnight. And I work at home. My cats would be really impressed.
2. Fake it 'til you make it.
I mean, don't fabricate your resume out of thin air or copy it from a resume book (Remember resume books? Me neither.), but if you want to get a job you need to make yourself look good. ALL job seekers everywhere are constantly trying to appear to the greatest advantage. And when presented with things you've never done but can totally learn, it's almost always better to say, "Oh yeah, I can do that!" and then figure it out as you go.
Sue Ellen exhibits several other behaviors that are equally worth emulating. When confronted with a surly fax machine that she is clueless about she peeks over sweet Kathy's shoulder and LEARNS. Voila! Just by watching! She also recognizes good advice when she hears it and repeats it to others. "Don't feel overwhelmed. Just do one thing at a time." "We have to economize." Unless you are a bus driver trying to masquerade as a nuclear physicist, once you're hired you will probably have enough of a grace period to learn a few things by doing. But make sure you ask the right person for help. Ask a nice person, not a mega-shithead.
Here's a test, which of these women should you ask for help:
Hint: Don't choose the woman on the left.
Other important takeaways from Swell's tenure as a career woman at General Apparel West include:
- Don't embezzle from petty cash. Or any other source. Just don't.
- Watch out for Gus. Gus is a sexist asshole douchebag. Maybe keep a squirt gun full of Windex handy for when he shows his true colors.
- A 1991 salary of $37,500 would be worth about $65,500 in 2014 dollars. Do executive level administrative assistants still get paid that much? If so, why the F#$% did I go to graduate school?!
- And always help your boss save face. Sometimes that means pretending that the flowers douchebag Gus really sent to you were intended for her. But mostly it means this:
#likeaboss
OR #likeanexecutiveleveladministrativeassistant
3. Find Bryan.
Oh hello there Josh Charles. I see you like blondes. How lucky for me.
4. Family management is hard work too - and it's a team sport.
The movie opens by showing Mrs. Crandall attempting to interact with each of her kids, and mostly failing. They each dismiss or ignore her in their own ways. A clearly frazzled single mother of five, she's obviously worn the F out - but she's still trying! Moms have a tendency to put themselves last and it's pretty much never a good idea. You cannot constantly take care of other people at the expense of caring for yourself or you will shrivel up and die. Sometimes, in a family, you have to take one for the team. And by "one" I mean "one vacation to the land down under with your new boyfriend" - ya heard? After their mom leaves them with an evil babysitter who promptly croaks, the Crandall kids don't call her home from Australia - because they want their freedom, but also because they know their mom deserves the break.
At first, their individual contributions to household management aren't very sophisticated:
But in a short amount of time they improve dramatically:
The name is Kenneth.
Kids have hands and legs and can contribute to household management. Put those suckers to work! Even if you have to resort to threatening to turn them all in to the police to get them properly motivated. It's amazing what children will do to avoid hard time.
5. Take the appropriate precautions when disposing of a dead body.
Key tools for proper disposal of a dead body include: your brother's skateboard, yellow dish gloves, a measuring tape, and an antique steamer trunk. With these tools, enough younger siblings, and the desire for a mom-free summer of nonstop fun to help you justify your unethical and unsanitary behavior, you have everything you need to get rid of a little old lady's dead body.
And finally, the single most important lesson from DTMTBD: always check the pockets of the deceased before disposing of the body. ALWAYS!
And finally, the single most important lesson from DTMTBD: always check the pockets of the deceased before disposing of the body. ALWAYS!
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Hit On or Miss
So a few months ago this happened, and now I no longer order pizza from my local Jet's:
I posted this picture to my Facebook page and there followed quite a discussion in the comments. Some people thought I should call Alex's manager to report the incident (I didn't). Others suggested that I should be flattered to some degree (I wasn't). And the whole thing got me thinking about all the inappropriate situations in which I've been hit on. And there's kind of a lot of them.
I don't say this to toot my own horn. This is not a humblebrag. This is an attempt to articulate why this kind of thing is wrong and men need to stop doing it. But first things first.
After this exchange with Alex the Creepy Pizza Guy, which is how I entered him into my phone contacts just in case he ever contacted me again (he hasn't), I remembered an incident I had with a moving man I hired four years ago. It was a post breakup move out of my parents' place and a storage unit and into my very first solo-living apartment. The movers showed up, moved my things from one place to another, and one of them flirted with me in a way that became more aggressive as the day wore on, despite a lack of encouragement from me. At the end of the day he asked me out ("I'm really not supposed to do this but I think you're really pretty blah blah blah"). I declined, and he left me his name and phone number anyway. I never called him.
On another occasion I found myself sitting alone at the counter of my local coney island, involved in a book after finishing a late lunch of a gyro and french fries. A much older man, dressed professionally, sat down right next to me despite the 20 or so empty seats and proceeded to interrupt my reading with 72 million questions. "What's that you've got?" "Oh, an e-reader, what kind?" "What are you reading?" "What's it about?" "Gosh you're pretty, what do you do?" "Oh, you're a librarian, huh? Where do you work?" Yadda yadda yadda. I cut my lunch short just to get away from him.
I've also been hit on while at work. Every job I've ever had has required me to be friendly - which is good, I really am a friendly person in spite of the annoyed tone of this post - but my friendliness in a professional capacity is not an invitation to flirt. Whether it's helping a guy find a pair of jeans that's the correct size, breaking down a volleyball net so that his basketball team can use the court, teaching his toddler how to swim, or helping him find a good book to check out, I'm friendly because it makes it easier to interact in order to get my job done. Not because I want to find a strange man lurking in the parking lot outside my job when I leave, waiting to ask me out.
And last but not least: the married dudes. Once I was in the elevator of my office building when a well dressed middle-aged man wearing a suit and carrying a briefcase asked me if I'd like to get a drink some time. When I pointed to his wedding band and said, "I'm not sure your wife would approve," he responded by laughing, shrugging, and saying, "So?" Longest elevator ride ever.
Perhaps you're rolling your eyes at this point, thinking, What's the big deal? She should just be flattered! Or something like, These poor guys have it hard, the burden of doing the 'asking out' is almost entirely on their shoulders! Well, you're probably not defending the married guys (Or are you? Maybe he's in an open marriage!), but I can understand how this may seem harsh. Or narcissistic. Or both. But it isn't. Please notice that none of these examples takes place in a bar, at a party, or in some other social scenario where single gals are usually giving off the obvious HI, I'M AVAILABLE signals.
If I pay for a service of some kind, whether it's getting a pizza delivered or hiring movers, there is a contract that is entered into and a mutual investment of trust. I'm trusting that the service will be provided correctly and professionally, and they're trusting that I'll keep my agreement to pay. A fair arrangement. Both my pizza guy and moving man acknowledged that they could face repercussions from their employer if I tattled and yet they did it anyway. Some might call that bravery, but I call it disrespectful. Each of them knew my name, my phone number, my home address, and my credit card information - not because I'd chosen, based on their individual characters, to reveal that information to them, but because the information was pertinent to a business transaction. In the end I didn't report either of them to their managers for fear of retaliation, and I consider myself fortunate to never have heard from either of them again. I have friends who've had much scarier experiences. That access to detailed information about my life put them in a position of power, and their choice to hit on me was an abuse of that power.
And you know who abuses their power? Jerks.
Regarding the men who have interrupted me when I was out alone in public and reading a book, playing Words With Friends on my phone, listening to music while wearing headphones, or any other time when I was clearly engaged in an activity of my choosing and had no interest in being interrupted. By opting to ignore the signals that were expressly NOT invitations to chat me up they were prioritizing their own desire to flirt over my desire to be left alone.
And you know who puts their own needs above all else? Jerks.
The occasions wherein I've been asked out while at work are shitty for still other reasons, but mostly because I should be able to perform my job while being friendly and polite and not have to worry about falsely encouraging a stranger to make a pass at me. None of them ever think about what will happen if the answer is, "No." Awkwardness and discomfort inevitably follow - because these guys *always* come back.
And you know who makes women feel awkward and uncomfortable (especially while they're at work!)? Jerks.
I hope I don't have to expound on the degree of douchebaggery committed by married men who hit on women inappropriately. Online, in person, EVER. Because I know you know what married men are who hit on women who aren't their wives.
JERKS.
Guys, there are literally an infinite number of situations where flirting is awesome - and welcome! They don't involve creepy and/or disrespectful abuses of power. They don't involve prioritizing your desires over the desires of your object of affection. They don't involve creating a potentially awkward and uncomfortable situation for your admired lady while she is at work. And they certainly don't involve extramarital dates. You can recognize these green light situations by using your powers of observation, prioritizing respect, and focusing on appropriate times and places to make your move. Stop to consider some of these questions before you proceed:
I posted this picture to my Facebook page and there followed quite a discussion in the comments. Some people thought I should call Alex's manager to report the incident (I didn't). Others suggested that I should be flattered to some degree (I wasn't). And the whole thing got me thinking about all the inappropriate situations in which I've been hit on. And there's kind of a lot of them.
I don't say this to toot my own horn. This is not a humblebrag. This is an attempt to articulate why this kind of thing is wrong and men need to stop doing it. But first things first.
After this exchange with Alex the Creepy Pizza Guy, which is how I entered him into my phone contacts just in case he ever contacted me again (he hasn't), I remembered an incident I had with a moving man I hired four years ago. It was a post breakup move out of my parents' place and a storage unit and into my very first solo-living apartment. The movers showed up, moved my things from one place to another, and one of them flirted with me in a way that became more aggressive as the day wore on, despite a lack of encouragement from me. At the end of the day he asked me out ("I'm really not supposed to do this but I think you're really pretty blah blah blah"). I declined, and he left me his name and phone number anyway. I never called him.
On another occasion I found myself sitting alone at the counter of my local coney island, involved in a book after finishing a late lunch of a gyro and french fries. A much older man, dressed professionally, sat down right next to me despite the 20 or so empty seats and proceeded to interrupt my reading with 72 million questions. "What's that you've got?" "Oh, an e-reader, what kind?" "What are you reading?" "What's it about?" "Gosh you're pretty, what do you do?" "Oh, you're a librarian, huh? Where do you work?" Yadda yadda yadda. I cut my lunch short just to get away from him.
I've also been hit on while at work. Every job I've ever had has required me to be friendly - which is good, I really am a friendly person in spite of the annoyed tone of this post - but my friendliness in a professional capacity is not an invitation to flirt. Whether it's helping a guy find a pair of jeans that's the correct size, breaking down a volleyball net so that his basketball team can use the court, teaching his toddler how to swim, or helping him find a good book to check out, I'm friendly because it makes it easier to interact in order to get my job done. Not because I want to find a strange man lurking in the parking lot outside my job when I leave, waiting to ask me out.
And last but not least: the married dudes. Once I was in the elevator of my office building when a well dressed middle-aged man wearing a suit and carrying a briefcase asked me if I'd like to get a drink some time. When I pointed to his wedding band and said, "I'm not sure your wife would approve," he responded by laughing, shrugging, and saying, "So?" Longest elevator ride ever.
Perhaps you're rolling your eyes at this point, thinking, What's the big deal? She should just be flattered! Or something like, These poor guys have it hard, the burden of doing the 'asking out' is almost entirely on their shoulders! Well, you're probably not defending the married guys (Or are you? Maybe he's in an open marriage!), but I can understand how this may seem harsh. Or narcissistic. Or both. But it isn't. Please notice that none of these examples takes place in a bar, at a party, or in some other social scenario where single gals are usually giving off the obvious HI, I'M AVAILABLE signals.
If I pay for a service of some kind, whether it's getting a pizza delivered or hiring movers, there is a contract that is entered into and a mutual investment of trust. I'm trusting that the service will be provided correctly and professionally, and they're trusting that I'll keep my agreement to pay. A fair arrangement. Both my pizza guy and moving man acknowledged that they could face repercussions from their employer if I tattled and yet they did it anyway. Some might call that bravery, but I call it disrespectful. Each of them knew my name, my phone number, my home address, and my credit card information - not because I'd chosen, based on their individual characters, to reveal that information to them, but because the information was pertinent to a business transaction. In the end I didn't report either of them to their managers for fear of retaliation, and I consider myself fortunate to never have heard from either of them again. I have friends who've had much scarier experiences. That access to detailed information about my life put them in a position of power, and their choice to hit on me was an abuse of that power.
And you know who abuses their power? Jerks.
Regarding the men who have interrupted me when I was out alone in public and reading a book, playing Words With Friends on my phone, listening to music while wearing headphones, or any other time when I was clearly engaged in an activity of my choosing and had no interest in being interrupted. By opting to ignore the signals that were expressly NOT invitations to chat me up they were prioritizing their own desire to flirt over my desire to be left alone.
And you know who puts their own needs above all else? Jerks.
The occasions wherein I've been asked out while at work are shitty for still other reasons, but mostly because I should be able to perform my job while being friendly and polite and not have to worry about falsely encouraging a stranger to make a pass at me. None of them ever think about what will happen if the answer is, "No." Awkwardness and discomfort inevitably follow - because these guys *always* come back.
And you know who makes women feel awkward and uncomfortable (especially while they're at work!)? Jerks.
I hope I don't have to expound on the degree of douchebaggery committed by married men who hit on women inappropriately. Online, in person, EVER. Because I know you know what married men are who hit on women who aren't their wives.
JERKS.
Guys, there are literally an infinite number of situations where flirting is awesome - and welcome! They don't involve creepy and/or disrespectful abuses of power. They don't involve prioritizing your desires over the desires of your object of affection. They don't involve creating a potentially awkward and uncomfortable situation for your admired lady while she is at work. And they certainly don't involve extramarital dates. You can recognize these green light situations by using your powers of observation, prioritizing respect, and focusing on appropriate times and places to make your move. Stop to consider some of these questions before you proceed:
- Do I have leverage or an unfair advantage in this transaction, perhaps by knowing things about her that she did not personally confide in me - like her contact or other personal information?
- Does she seem open to being approached, i.e. she's not busy doing something else, like reading a book, talking on the phone, or wearing headphones?
- Will it put her in an awkward situation if I make my move? Will she feel strange turning down a regular at her store/gym/library/office?
- Am I married?
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