Right to the Babymaker

I don't want to have kids.

There. I said it. Lately a lot of people seem to be asking, so I thought I'd save everyone the trouble and just come right out with it. Most people are surprised to hear me say, "Nope, no kids for me!" And I just continue to be surprised that people - many I barely know - think it's acceptable to ask me such a personal question in the first place. I mean, I don't go around asking what you do with YOUR sex organs, do I? Why don't you just ask me how my last Pap smear was while you're at it? Gawd. But it's happened so often and with such increasing frequency that I've come to realize there's no changing it. People are going to ask me this question for the rest of my life, so I better get used to answering.

There are two basic responses that I receive when I tell people I don't want to have a baby. The first is, "Oh, you'll change your mind," which is sometimes followed by, "when you meet the right person to be their dad." (I got that second part a lot more often before I was in a serious relationship.) The other response usually comes after my second or third insistence that kids aren't for me, and sounds something like, "Are you sure? But how do you know?"

Both of these reactions irritate the shit out of me.

First of all, telling me that I'm going to change my mind minimizes a major life decision that I have spent a lot of time thinking about. In fact, I'm willing to bet that I've spent more time deciding that I don't want to have children than many people who actually have children spent thinking about becoming parents. Which, considering the level of commitment involved in being a parent, is a little pathetic.

No one EVER tells an expectant parent that he or she is going to change his or her mind about that decision. And rightfully so, it'd be a super shitty thing to say. What would be the point? It is one of the few irreversible decisions that a human being, especially a woman, can make. Once you've had a baby you can never un-have it. Jobs you can quit, husbands you can divorce, mortgages you can walk away from, but you can never, ever change the fact that you had a kid. Parents, mothers especially, who realize too late that maybe they didn't really want to have a child after all are not judged kindly by society, and many become negligent parents who do tremendous harm - both emotional and physical - to the children who are in their care. It is not socially acceptable to tell a roundly pregnant woman, "You might change your mind!" And it should be equally unacceptable to say it to me. Yes, I realize that it's possible that I may live to regret my decision, but if and when I ever do it will be much too late to do anything about it. And which situation is worse, not having a kid and regretting it, or having a kid and regretting it? Exactly. So shut up already.

The second response, "But how do you know?" is irritating because no one is ever satisfied with my reasons. If I say, "I just know it's not for me," they shake their heads doubtfully, and press me for a more valid response. But a mom who says, "I just knew I wanted to have kids," gets nods of appreciation and admiration from her audience. Why is my understanding of my own feelings somehow less authoritative? I've never felt the urge, never felt compelled, never felt a pang of longing when seeing a mom with her newborn, never wished myself in her position. Shouldn't that mean something?

If I say, "I'm too selfish to be a good parent," I get frowned at. Like it's so terrible to admit that there are things about my life that I enjoy too much to give up in order to have a kid. Look, I like staying out late on the weekends without coming home if I want to. I like being free to quit my job and join the Peace Corps if I want to. I like being able to donate a (very) little bit of money to charities I care about. I like being able to skip a bill in favor of buying a pair of shoes that I totally don't need if I want to. I like feeling like I can leave my 401(k) to my best friend's son or my niece and my nephew or whoever I want to and it will not be expected, only appreciated. I like knowing that if I needed to take care of my parents as they get older that I'd be available to do so. I value my freedom and flexibility. I said I was too selfish to be a good parent, I didn't say I was too selfish to be a good person. Plenty of good people end up being bad parents - I'd like to avoid ever becoming one of them.

Sometimes I'll say, "I do not want to put my physical body through a pregnancy." That really raises the eyebrows. I know a lot of women who have had babies. Some of them loved being pregnant. Some of them hated it. All had struggles of some kind or another - either prior to, during, or after their pregnancies, and some of those struggles were very serious. To quote my best friend, "Growing a human being is hard." Damn straight it is, and I know I'm not up for the challenge. Plus, I like my body just the way it is and I'm not willing to upset the ecosystem by bearing a child. Post-baby bodies (and breasts, and vaginas, and hormones) are difficult to navigate. I'll pass.

I will often respond with, "I really can't afford to have a child," and then I get pooh-poohed, like kids aren't expensive as HELL, but I'm dead serious. Don't believe me? If I were to get pregnant this year I'd spend almost a quarter of a million dollars on the kid by the time it turned 17. That's an average of $12,800 a year for the next 18 years. I don't have that. I don't have anywhere close to that. Now if I didn't pay for the kid to go to college I'd save myself a good chunk of money, but considering what I spend each month on my own student loan payments and the even-increasing cost of a college education in this country, there is no way I'd willingly have a kid unless I could pay for all or most of its education. Even sans college the cost of raising a kid is over $8,000 a year, which is $8,000 a year more than I can afford. Would you encourage me to buy a house I couldn't afford? No. So stop encouraging me to have a kid I couldn't afford. (You can use this calculator to figure out what it would cost you to have a baby, if you're curious.)

The thing that is most annoying about telling people I don't want to have children is that they often assume that I don't like children, which couldn't be further from the truth. I love children! I look forward to being Aunt Maria to both real and honorary nieces and nephews for the rest of my life. I believe it is precisely because I respect and love children so much, and believe that every last baby on this planet ought to be born to parents who want it and will work as hard as they can all the days of their lives in order to care for it properly, that I don't want one of my own.

So it'd be nice if everyone, especially other women, could stop with all the questioning. Lay off with all the disbelief and insinuation - both subtle and overt - that my choice is somehow wrong or invalid just because it is not traditional. Because every time I'm unfairly judged that way it feels like a hit right to the babymaker.