About a year and a half ago, one especially brilliant friend
and I were discussing what it means when two people really love each other.
More specifically, we were discussing how you can tell when a man is genuinely
in love with you. For really real in love, in that mature, grownup way that
happens rarely and is sought-after the world over. There was some discussion that I don’t
particularly remember (probably because my memory of it was eclipsed by what
she said next), and then Ann dropped this little gem, “If a man is in love with
you, he will use whatever resources are available to him – be it time, money or
sheer creativity – in order to make your life more comfortable and more
exciting.”
At the time this sounded logical. Straightforward. Perfectly definitive! And it resonated with me because most of the
things that deeply troubled me in my past relationships related to incidents
where I felt my former partners were behaving selfishly, inconsiderately, or
both; occasions upon which my life was made decidedly less comfortable and
markedly less exciting by their actions. If only I had been armed with this
knowledge! I could have applied it to so many situations by asking myself,
“Does he use his available resources to make my life better?” And after
repeatedly answering in the negative, as I surely would have, perhaps I could
have avoided investing so much time and effort in relationships that were
always ever only going to fall apart.
I fell asleep that night thinking about her statement, and
woke up the next morning still thinking about it, and I started wondering if these
criteria for determining whether or not a man loves you were perhaps too simple? I mean, after so many years
of attempting to figure this out through my personal experience I’d never come
anywhere close to narrowing it down to one simple, all-encompassing sentence. Not
to mention all my exploration through fictitious literature and film scenarios.
If someone had asked me the day before our conversation how you know when
someone is in love with you, I would have had only vague and flowery words to
offer in response. Perhaps, “Oh, you just know when you know.” Or, “You can feel it in
your bones.” Embarrassingly silly, I admit, yet sadly true.
But now, thanks to Ann, I had this new concept. This
powerful idea that a true partner, someone who actually loves you as he says he
does, will back up those words with deeds. He will walk the walk! And it will
come naturally to him, both because of his genuine love and affection for you,
and because he is not a total douchebag. I wasn’t looking in a mirror while
pondering all of this, but I’m fairly sure my eyes were twinkling at the time,
thinking of all the ways to use this wisdom in the future. The next time a
potential love candidate showed up on my radar, I would know how to identify
him. I put Ann’s words in my pocket that night and have been carrying them around
with me for the past year and a half.
I used that time to make observations and test them against my
new method. To my delight, I found a lot of love all around me. And when I say “a
lot,” I mean a lot. It was abundant. The
proof was in surprise, elaborate, or expensive (but always thoughtful) gifts
for a partner’s birthday, Christmas or no particular reason at all. It was in
offers to help with undesirable tasks – like staying up late on a school night
to bake many dozens of cookies, doing loads upon loads of laundry, and helping
someone move. It was in taking out the garbage without being asked to, planning
surprise birthday parties, cooking a favorite meal, and saving the last bite.
It was in finish line proposals, the exchanging of vows on Caribbean beaches,
and in less traditional commitments. It was in hospital rooms at the birth of
first babies. It was in the building of
plush dog houses for neighborhood strays. It was in the opening of hard-to-open jars,
and the checking of tire pressure that may be too low, and the purchasing of
hard-to-afford plane tickets, and the bandaging of cuts, and the wiping of
tears. It was so ubiquitous that I felt shame at my failure to notice it for
such a long time.
And now I think it may be facing me. It’s possible that
someone just might love me like that. He brings me pizza and “Say Anything” and
Super Mario Brothers 3 when I’m sick. He kills spiders and reaches hard to
reach items and lifts heavy boxes. He makes sure my bicycle tires have enough
air in them and gives me pepper spray because he wants me to be safe. He
accompanies me to Bed, Bath and Beyond and dances to Bruce Springsteen in the
aisle and surprises me with fancy knives for no reason at the checkout counter.
He never ruins the plot of a movie he’s seen that I haven’t. He snuggles with
my cats. He makes me laugh. He spoons me. He sings along. He suggests a weekend
trip to Chicago and a random lobster dinner and thinks I’m beautiful without an
ounce of makeup on my cheeks. He is intelligent and generous and passionate and
he makes my life both more
comfortable and more exciting.
I win! He wins! We both win.
