Happy and Sad, Sad and Happy

I can't tell if I'm happy or sad.

Lately I've felt happy. I'm laughing with good friends, laughing with loving family, laughing with handsome men. I've been going out and having a good time. I've been staying in and taking bubble baths. I've been learning how to smile again. But no matter how much I laugh or smile or flirt there comes the moment -- and it inevitably will arrive -- where the twinge of guilt creeps in.

I start to think about the man I almost married and I know that wherever he is, he is most likely not happy. And then I feel sad. Some days I feel happy all day long, laughing, smiling; and when my head hits that pillow I think, "Wow, I didn't miss him today." And then I feel sad. And guilty. Sometimes I catch myself daydreaming about what my life is going to be like from now on and I get excited at the ocean of possibilities that I have in front of me. Then I remember that he's counting down the weeks until he gets sent to Afghanistan. And I feel sad. I still love him and I want more than anything for him to find happiness and peace. To find love again. I worry about him going overseas and pray that he'll come home safely to his friends and his family.

Sometimes I want to call him and tell him that this was not all his fault. I should have realized a long, long time ago that we were not right for each other. But I didn't. I should have been honest with myself about who he was and what we both wanted. But I wasn't. I could have chosen not to hold him responsible for my unhappiness, and placed that burden where it always belonged, with myself. But I couldn't. And I can't call him. I don't want him to see my name on his caller ID and get excited, only to talk to me and get upset. I don't want to hurt him any more.

I just don't want to hurt him any more.

Which is why I don't know if I'm happy or sad. I feel happy, but I feel like being happy is somehow being mean to him. That might be absurd, but it is what it is, and I can't help it. So for now I'll go on feeling happy and sad. And maybe some day soon I'll just get to be happy. I think I deserve it, after having been sad for such a long time.