Your Long Journey

So my mom and I went to lunch today. Nothing fancy, just coney island. In her car we listened to the album Raising Sand, by Robert Plant and Alison Krauss. A truly beautiful album. On the way back to my house she skipped to the last song and said, "This is the song I want you to play at my funeral." And "Your Long Journey" started.

As the song played I had to turn and look out the passenger window. I didn't want her to see the tears in my eyes. Silly really, since I know she'll read this and then she'll know, but at that moment I didn't want her to see. It was hard to swallow those tears.

The thing of it is, I am incredibly afraid to face the day when my mom will die. And she just said it so matter of factly. Although one is always distantly aware of the mortality of their loved ones, I think most people push it out of their minds until some tragedy or illness brings it into sharp focus. This afternoon, driving down Rochester Road in the afternoon rain, my mom was happy, healthy, and seemingly content that someday she will die. So content she gave me instructions to carry out. I wonder if she ever says things like to my brother? I imagine not. He'd never remember the name of the song. I've listened to it thirteen times today.

My mom lost her mother when she was only 20 years old. When I think about that I know I'm lucky to have had her in my life up til now. And not just had her as a mom, as a friend too. She is the sole person who will be on my side, without fail, no matter what. I feel like she's spoiled me, because I don't think there is another person on Earth who will ever love me as unselfishly as my mom does. Maybe Shaun, someday.

I worry that I will never be able to love my children as unselfishly as my mom has loved us. In fact, it's the primary reason why I'm terrified to have kids. That's why I'm glad that she's healthy and strong. And that she has faith and she prays. My kids will need their Grammy Ellen when their mom is learning how to be a parent the hard way.

And I know I'll need her too.

I Promise

This is the LAST YouTube video that I will post for a long, long time. But honestly, I've watched this one about 75 times and I almost pee my pants every single time. I want to adopt this kid.